Handyperson Needed

We have a bunch of stupid annoying problems that need fixing around here that are beyond my expertise or my desire to do them. Here are the highlights. 

1. This infuriating tub casing. 

2. These droopy jerks. 

3. This wanker that the screws magically fell out of after going strong for the last five years. 

4. This wiggly bastard. 

5. This asshole door that won't stay attached. 

6. This other door that is so far away from the side that it will only stay closed when dead bolted. 

7. These lights that have never turned on even though the fan does. 

8. These other evil lights that used to work, then flickered and died even after bulb change. 

9. This chair rail that David Copperfield must have disappeared. 

10. Three of these necessary evils that won't pop up. 

11. This lattice that got eaten by the troll under the front porch.  

12. Two of these idiotically-placed downspouts that need rain barrel friends. 

13. This hole needs a bulb.