Questival Time

we won't be held back by lack of campfire.  blogger won't show me photos newer than 2015. That won't hold us back either. Oh look, the app crashed again. Thanks, blogger!

Festival of Crickets

okay, this is the third time I've tried this post because the stupid app keeps crashing, and now I'm horribly trying to do it in my phone browser. First world problems, and all that crap. Anyway, I'm sorry for never posting. And now, dear readers, prepare to be exploited tomorrow for three measly Questival points. I pretty much suck. But we will be eating some crickets later, so this post title has two meanings, I guess.

❤️

Handyperson Needed

We have a bunch of stupid annoying problems that need fixing around here that are beyond my expertise or my desire to do them. Here are the highlights. 

1. This infuriating tub casing. 

2. These droopy jerks. 

3. This wanker that the screws magically fell out of after going strong for the last five years. 

4. This wiggly bastard. 

5. This asshole door that won't stay attached. 

6. This other door that is so far away from the side that it will only stay closed when dead bolted. 

7. These lights that have never turned on even though the fan does. 

8. These other evil lights that used to work, then flickered and died even after bulb change. 

9. This chair rail that David Copperfield must have disappeared. 

10. Three of these necessary evils that won't pop up. 

11. This lattice that got eaten by the troll under the front porch.  

12. Two of these idiotically-placed downspouts that need rain barrel friends. 

13. This hole needs a bulb. 

2015 creepy season begins...

imagine returning home to this after driving seven hours. creepy!

retribution later today. 

pack this

thunderstorm weekend

I forgot they still aren't great at cursive. 

summer expectations

Family Meeting

oh look! random brain comic!

so it looks like it's been two whole years since i've made anything happen with this.  sorry about that.  

well, it looks like it's not going to get much better, since here i am dropping another lame brain comic.  at 3:47 am.  

i just hope that doing this will appease my brain enough to let me get maybe two more hours of sleep.  

so here we go:

ten creams of perpetual tardiness

at a party we had recently, some of my friends were marveling at the greatness that is my mom's skin. and it is truly fabulous. but it comes at a price. not the gross kind where people put monkey placentas or whatever on their faces, but the kind where your loved ones have to wait around for you for hours while you apply these creams just to go to the farmer's market. 

at least all this waiting around prepared me for the endless hours of my life i've wasted standing outside restrooms waiting for one kid or another to take a dump.

so without further adieu, here are the ten creams of perpetual tardiness:

clinique redness solutions cleanser cream

clinique clarifying lotion 3

clindamycin phosphate 1%

desonide lotion 0.05%

estée lauder idealist pore minimizing skin refinisher

clinique repairwear intensive eye cream

estée lauder resilience lift extreme

clinique redness solutions daily relief cream

clinique redness solutions daily protective base

estée lauder equalizer

bonus nighttime cream!

estée lauder advanced night repair

(look!  i even made helpful links for you! not because i can make any money from this junk, but because i like to be helpful.)

so i hope all of you who are better at maintenance than i am can benefit from my mom's fancy regimen.  i will obviously just slowly start looking like an old dried up raisin, since my patience for these things is so very low.

pyromania and drunk driving

a few days ago, my parents went to asheville and were worried that they'd left the coffee maker on, so they asked me to go over and check it.  i could not resist the opportunity for more santa pranking.

we were having a party that night, so i left our van over there to add a parking space and walked home.  the next day i came to get the van and saw this peeking through the window.

guess what he'd been doing? 

no wonder that police car was hanging out at the end of our road!

i haven't been able to come up with a good retaliation idea all this week. suggestions?

It's the most creepy-ful time of the year!

i had to go over to my parents' house to get something while they were at work, so i left this for them. and of course the creepiest santa in their bed.  i'm a bit scared of what vengeance will fall upon us.

for a larger photo of this creepy guy, go here.

vexing

my family vexes me with things like this.



one of these will go bad before they are both consumed.

shower products

  

why do they all look like spooge?

granted, it has been quite some time since i've had a chance to look at the genuine article in real life, and i'm not so sure i actually did look at it then, so you be the judge.

shampoo:

 

conditioner:

face wash:

body wash:

rediscovered

i found this while searching for another photo.

friday morning

a week ago we moved into a new house, which is the main reason of many that i haven't been posting lately.  but i realized all of this happened in the mostly dark, so i could be lazy and not make actual illustrations.

so this is what happened to me just after i got up friday morning.

at this point the other kids started swarming me and staring down at me with concern.  which of course made me laugh even more.  i could not stop laughing at what an idiot i am, but i was also really afraid to try to get up by myself because my knee was really hurting.

she did finally come help me up, and i am pretty much totally okay, so you don't have to worry.  except maybe for my sanity.  

valentine tyrant

i hate valentine's day.  i always have.  i think it is mean to single people and men who are expected to make it somehow perfect.  i'm so glad i don't have to celebrate it.

but the world has found another way to torture me with valentine's day:  kid cards.  the kids hate doing them.  i hate forcing them.  i've tried making it fun and crafty, but they only want to do two before they get bored.  we've bought the character cards, but just writing the names on them seems like an insurmountable chore to them.  

this year, we've had loads of snow days, so we started more than a month early.  fortunately, i know most of the kids' names.  but instead the kids want to waste their valentine energy making ten cards for mommy.  what we will end up with is 30 fancy handmade cards for mommy, ten fancy handmade cards for teachers and random classmates and 50 cards with half-assed barely legible writing on store bought cards.

i'm still not sure we won't be having some kind of valentine screaming match the night before.  it seems like so much trouble for something that's supposed to be fun.  

i always thought that thing was mayor mccheese

when i was 12, i went to mcdonalds with some friends and we played at the mcdonaldland playground.  we decided to see if we could all fit in the mayor mccheese together.  it was a tight squeeze, but we all got in. 

i was quite a bit taller and huskier than these friends.  they all jumped out of the head exit, but i couldn't get in a good position to do that unless i went head first.  i panicked.  

i was stuck in the damn mayor mccheese.

for a moment i thought i'd never get out.  i was mortified.  

i don't exactly remember what happened next.  i'm not sure if i've just blocked it or all the adrenaline produced by the complete embarrassment of being too giant to cram myself in the mayor mccheese yet doing it anyway made my brain stop working or what.  but i do seem to remember one of my friends helping me get my feet near the body entrance and helping me get out.

apparently, i'm not the only one.  there is an entire facebook group about it.

anyway, when i was looking for an image, i discovered that thing is not, in fact, a mayor mccheese, but an officer big mac. 

silverware organized!

i couldn't find a knife when i was making a sandwich today, so i actually organized the silverware drawer.  then i realized that it doesn't really look any better than it did when it was a jumbled mess.

 

i know this is a bit of a lame offering.  i've been working on a snow day post, but it's not as funny as it should be yet.   i don't think your brain would be so sharp after seventeen snow days, either.  

also, i'm still using two spaces after every sentence even though it's apparently wrong now.  suck it, slate magazine.

and finally, i don't care much for horoscopes and all that, but i'm still staying a pisces.  suck it, minnesota planetarium society.

power outage culprit?

our power went out for a few hours this evening.  i think this may have been the culprit...